Honest Communication is Most Important for Healthy Relationships

We all desire healthy relationships that tick like clockwork and one of the more important components of them is open and honest communication. If two people (whether romantic, platonic, or familial) can open the waves of communication and dialogue respectfully then there aren’t many issues that can’t be worked through.

We all want to feel as though we are being heard and understood, it’s part of feeling appreciated and loved. Yet, despite everyone having that need, we still struggle to get it right.

In many cases we lie to ourselves that we were born with the necessary skills to nail communication every time and if it doesn’t work out it wasn’t because of us, it’s obviously down to someone else. How can you learn to be honest with others if you can’t even be honest with yourself?

There is more than one type of communication and that’s an important aspect of the subject to understand because you may be saying one thing, but your body language could be telling another story.

Additionally, there are different levels of communication.

Surface Communication

On the one hand, there’s surface communication, which revolves around details, ideas, concepts, and facts. The other is emotional and while this also involves surface communication, it is far more complicated.

The first step in surface communication is establishing that you are both speaking the same language. Some words take different meanings due to differences in economics, culture, life experience, religions, and geography.

This requires a bit more work in establishing strong communication and the key to this is asking questions. If someone uses a word in a context you are not familiar with you can quite simply ask him or her how he or she defines it.

If you believe they’re hearing what you are saying differently, you can simply ask them what they are hearing from you. This is all about solidifying the language you are using and laying the groundwork for solid communication in the future.

You may have noticed that you communicate easily with people who have similar stories and backgrounds to you but life isn’t as simple as that, though, and you will always come across people with different experiences who dialogue in different ways.

Emotional Communication

When it comes to emotional communication, things get more complicated.

The biggest issue here is active listening. To do this you first must be present emotionally and when there is pain and emotional wounds it can be difficult to do that. If we struggle to be honest with ourselves on an emotional level, imagine how difficult it becomes to communicate effectively with others.

Listening isn’t just about being quiet while someone else is speaking, it isn’t even just hearing what they are saying. It’s understanding the words they are using, the feelings in them and the underlying tone.

Communication is more than words, there’s eye contact to consider, the body language, and the underlying currents of emotion running through. It should be easy to listen when you are fully present with someone. Communication isn’t simply talking at each other; it’s truly understanding where someone is coming from.

Make no mistake, it can be incredibly difficult to sit back and listen to someone else speaking when it feels like it’s an attack on you. What’s important, though, is allowing them the time and space to speak their feelings before you attempt to respond. Emotionally charged conversations are a challenge, but in learning how to distance your feelings from their words, you can listen and hear what they are trying to tell you.

That’s why it’s such an important, yet difficult, aspect of every relationship you have. You will be more than familiar with the fact that every relationship will experience ups and downs.

However, communicating in a healthy manner can make it far easier to deal with those downs to build stronger relationships.

Anatomy of Healthy Communication

The definition of communication, as per Merriam Webster, is “a process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior.”

When it comes to communication in any type of relationship, it is simply a matter of explaining to someone else what you need, what you are feeling and experiencing. Of course, this sounds easier than it is, as it requires risk and vulnerability.

It doesn’t really matter how well you know someone, it’s impossible to read their mind. Many of the misunderstanding and confusion that stem from a lack of communication are the result of you assuming someone gets what you are saying.

You may believe that you have adequately articulated your point, but what have you done to determine whether that is the case?

Clear communication is vital to avoid the resentment, hurt, confusion, and anger that stems from misunderstandings. To achieve this requires input from both people and every relationship will find a unique way of communicating effectively.

Key Features of Healthy Communication

When you sit down to communicate with someone there are a few things you should bear in mind:

• Communication should be distraction free, so turn off the technology and sit down in a quiet spot to engage.
• Before you open your mouth, think about what you’re trying to say so that you can be clear about what you’re trying to communicate.
• Talk about what is affecting you and what is going on.
• Use statements like I feel, I want, I need because communication is a way of expressing those emotions.
• Always accept responsibility for your feelings.
• Actively listen to the other person without bringing your feelings into it.
• Make time to share positive feelings.
• Pay attention to the note of voice you’re using.
• Remember, you aren’t always right and you don’t need to be.

As noted above, there is more than one type of communication. It isn’t all about words, our non-verbal communication is telling a story, too. The posture that you affect, the tone of voice you use, as well as the expressions on your face are all conveying a message. This is another way of communicating your thoughts and feelings with someone.

The trouble comes in when your words aren’t matching your non-verbal stance, and what sticks with the person might not be what you want them to walk away thinking. You should be sure that your body language is telling the same story as your words. If they don’t match, you need to understand why and what is holding you back from sharing your honest thoughts with someone.

Remember, there is a difference between controlling your anger and emotions in a situation and outright lying about your thoughts.

You can convey honesty without causing a conflict; you may just have to take the time to state your words carefully and clearly to do so.

Key Listening Skills

Additionally, listening is an important aspect, so there are some tips for getting active listening right

• Maintaining eye contact
• Mirrored body language
• Show concern and interest through appropriate gestures and lean in
• Keep your posture relaxed and non-defensive
• Ensure you are facing the person
• Don’t sit higher, this feels as though you are looking down on someone
• Don’t fidget or get distracted
• Don’t interrupt
• Be prepared to call a timeout if you feel as though it’s getting heated
• Seek feedback

Key Reasons for Poor Communication

When it comes to poor communication, there are really four reasons that we do this, albeit unknowingly.

1. We don’t accurately express what we are trying to say, expecting the other person to read your mind when it comes to the details. Learn to be clear and spell it out – remember, just because you’re thinking it doesn’t mean you have said it out loud.
2. While we have a picture in our heads that we are expressing in our communication, we are failing to evoke the same image in the head of the listener. It’s a lot like playing Pictionary, you’re sure the picture you have drawn is clear as day, yet to the other person it’s something entirely different. Learn how to paint an accurate and detailed picture.
3. We assume that because we used the words we wanted to and we know what it is what we want, that we have accurately expressed that to the other person and they now understand what we want.
4. We walk away assuming that the point was made, since the other person said they understood, we assume they did. The only way you will know if your point was understood is if you come right out and ask the person if they understand, and don’t just accept yes. Get them to tell you what you mean, but don’t do it in a condescending manner.

This is something that affects every type of relationship we have in our lives, and it can be demoralizing for anyone and everyone involved. Yet, communication is the key to everything, whether it’s at home, with friends, or in the workplace.

We live in a world ravaged by complexity, we are overloaded with information and struggling to balance working lives with our home lives and keep our heads above water.

A lack of communication will only fuel misunderstandings and make life more complicated than it needs to be.

It’s easy to get caught up in miscommunication considering the thoughts racing through your brain at any given moment. If you have a serious discussion you need to approach you may want to jot down some notes beforehand to keep yourself on track.

Consequences of Poor Communication

You may recall playing a game as a child – it came in many names, but generally, it was called Telephone. The game was simple – it involved everyone sitting in a giant circle, or in a straight line, and an adult would give them something to say and they would whisper it into the ear of the person next to them and this would carry on down the line.

It would get to the end of the line and the last person would announce the message aloud. By the time it got to the end, the message was mangled, it was nothing like it had been at the start.

While it may have been a funny game to play, there was a larger life lesson to be found in it. It’s a two-way street, is communication, and it is opened when one person has a feeling or thought that they want to share with someone else. The other people may receive the message, but is it lost in translation? The break down can occur at either end of the transfer of communication.

Telephone is the perfect example of how your words and meaning can be misunderstood and poor communication can have dire consequences.

Frustration

It should come as no surprise that poor communication can result in frustration on each side. The fact of the matter is, that if you can’t clearly communicate what you want then you won’t get it. If you don’t tell your partner that you would like help with the household chores, how will they know that’s what you want?  

Misunderstanding

If it is not clear then communication will not be understood, which is the entire point of transferring information. If you’re not getting through to the person then there will be misunderstandings. They happen easily, which is why it is so important to ensure that your point is being heard and understood.

Anxiety

When you combine misunderstanding with frustration, what do you get? Anxiety! It could be a conversation with your boss and you’ve walked away not understanding what is expected of you. This is going to waste your time, their time, and impact the quality of work you produce as you are eaten up by anxiety.

Loss of Productivity

As noted above, if you don’t communicate accurately the first time your time will be wasted having to go back and have the same conversation again, but properly this time. If it’s in a work environment, who knows how long it will take for you (or the other person) to return to the conversation and admit you are confused.

Relationship Breakdowns

With the breakdown of communication comes the breakdown of relationships. Misunderstandings lead to resentment and can be misconstrued as deceit or as an attack. It’s generally not those things, but the belief that it is enough to fuel a relationship breakdown.

Negativity

This is especially true of the workplace, though it applies everywhere, without sufficient information people feel negatively about things. It’s human nature to avoid a situation where they feel inadequate and a lack of knowledge fueled by poor communication exacerbates that feeling of not knowing.

It doesn’t matter whether this fear or belief is rooted in reality or not, everyone is afraid of looking ill informed or like they don’t know what they’re doing. We all have an innate fear that we will do something embarrassing and end up being made fun of.

Mistrust

Poor communication can fuel a feeling of mistrust and lead to a disconnected relationship.

The Grapevine

This is true of families and of workplaces. It all starts because you told one person something and not only did they misunderstand what you said, but they have gone and told everyone about it. Suddenly, you have no control over this inaccurate story that is being spread and everyone is mad at you. This is why it’s vital to accurately communicate with everyone in your life.

With all of these obvious consequences to poor communication, it’s mind-blowing that we’re not better at it by now, isn’t it? For the most part, no one is setting out to keep information away from anyone. No one sets out to fail in their bid to communicate. We all start out with the best intentions, but we run into issues.

One of those issues is that we think we’re better at communicating than we are, thus don’t try to practice to improve. There is also the fear of falling flat on our face and avoiding practicing, the belief that excellent communication is simply common sense or assuming that people understand what you know and what you’re saying.

How to Communicate Effectively

Open communication is a skill, but it is one that can be learned. While it may feel difficult for some people to communicate, with time and encouragement it is possible. People who struggle to talk about things are often very good at listening or at communicating non-verbally.

There are plenty of ways you can improve your communication skills and learn how to effectively communicate.

Companionship

By sharing your interests and experiences, your concerns and thoughts with someone, you are showing both appreciation and affection for them. This invites them to do the same with you by creating a comfortable atmosphere to share in.  

Intimacy

This is particularly important to romantic relationships and despite popular belief; it isn’t always related to sex. It’s all about creating attachment. It is the ability to comfort and to be comforted, to provide open and honest feedback and accept the same in return. It could be as simple as saying you’re tired and don’t feel like staying up to watch a movie.  

Same Page

Every relationship will be different in this definition, but romantic relationships being on the same page includes finances, core values, and parenting styles.

Incisive Questions

• What conflicts arise in your relationships and do they stem from a lack of communication?
• What provides you comfort and happiness?
• What brings pain and disappointment?
• What conversations make you uncomfortable and what stands in the way of you opening up to them?
• In what ways would you like your communication style to be different with certain people?

You can ask these questions of yourself and of the person who you’re trying to improve communication with. In truth, though, some things are more difficult to communicate than others and you should keep that in mind when trying to improve your skills.

There are subjects or topics that everyone finds difficult, while some subjects may be more challenging for others.

It could be something that is controversial or something that brings up feelings of hurt or discomfort. This is especially true where emotions are involved, and it can be difficult to communicate effectively when you are holding on to hurt.

If this is how you feel when trying to communicate then tell the person you are speaking to, they might understand where you’re coming from more.

There are a few key things you should avoid when communicating, which should help with managing conflict.

• Don’t try the silent treatment
• Don’t assume or jump to conclusions
• Discuss what is going on without judging
• Communication isn’t about winning, it’s about understanding
• Don’t use the past tense, instead use the present and future tenses
• Don’t allow minor issues to distract you, remain focused on the big issue
• Don’t use statements like you are or you should instead use I feel, I need, I want
  

Final Thoughts

If you cast your mind back, it won’t take long for you to find a point in your life where poor communication caused you anxiety and grief. Many relationships are destroyed by this problem, yet, rather than learning from our mistakes, we blame the other person and move on to build relationships with someone else.

For something that is so important to human relationships, you would think it would come more naturally. Unfortunately, it’s something that the majority of us continue to struggle with. However, you don’t need to struggle with communication skills and you don’t need to put your relationships at risk because of your inability to effectively communicate.

While it may take some work, you can learn how to communicate effectively and as a result, you will see all of your relationships improve. In turn, your overall happiness and well-being with also improve.

That’s right, according to the American Public Health Association healthy relationships are the key to leading a better life. In learning how to communicate, you can improve every part of your life, from relationships to your work performance.